You ever notice how some people drive like idiots? If you haven't, then apparently you don't drive...at all... We've all seen the idiots with the "me first" attitude that have to be at the front of the line, have to get ahead of everyone before the two lanes merge into one, and have to cut in front of you just to slam on their brakes and turn right in front of you.
But did you ever notice those people (probably the same drivers mentioned above) that actually WALK like some people drive? I affectionately refer to these people as "Lurches." Every time I see someone using their bipedal conveyance to commit a social faux pas (walking like an idiot), I can't help but yell out "Lurch alert!" And just like idiot drivers, idiot walkers come in all forms as noted here today:
1) The "Gotta Take a Shit" Lurch
This is the person who passes you up, walking 90 miles an hour, weaving in and out of people. He's obviously in a major hurry to take care of some business. There can be no other rational explanation other than he must really have to poop! There could be no other reason for someone to be walking so damn fast, cutting people off on the sidewalk, and generally making a spectacle of himself. Don't get in this guys way or he will knock you over...and possibly poop on you.
2) The "Important" Lurch
This guy is way more important than you. He has to get there before you. He has to be first. He has to show that he is better at walking than you, therefore, he will make every unreasonable attempt to cut you off. He will lurch in front of you at the cash register. He will lurch in front of you at the ticket counter. He will take every opportunity to show you how his superiority gains him the upper hand every time. He's real good at showing how ridiculously stupid he is, and he does that much better than you because he's so important. He can usually be found doing something else to draw attention to how important he is like having a bluetooth hanging on his ear, wearing sunglasses inside or hanging his sunglass onto the back of his shirt collar (strange.)
3) The "Rude" Lurch
This moron is real good at cutting in front of you so he can be the first one to the door. Just when you think he did this to be chivalrous, and you think he's going to open the door for you, he hurriedly runs inside, causing the door to close right in your face. Once inside, the rude lurch often becomes one and the same with the important lurch or the gotta take a shit lurch. Be sure to thank the rude lurch for closing the door in your face by finding him in the store and yelling "Thanks Lurch!"
4) The "Soda Fountain" Lurch
So you go to the fast food restaurant that has self serve drinks so you can load up on refills, right? You get your super tanker-sized receptacle, and you're ready to load it up with caffeine and sugar (or worse, you plan on getting 512 ounces of DIET soda...) Just when you are about to hit the sacred beverage dispenser, the soda fountain lurch steps right in front of you. You see, that's his plan. The soda fountain lurch hangs around the beverage dispenser and then cuts in front of you at the last minute. He then proceeds to be extremely indecisive as to what beverage he wants. He was in a huge hurry to get in front of you, but now the drink dispenser is all his for the remainder of the day. He will try a little of this, taste it, pour it out, and then try a little of that. He will own the beverage dispenser until the restaurant starts mopping the floor and putting the chairs up on the tables. Be forewarned that they learn this at a very early age, so the soda fountain lurch comes in all sizes.
5) The "Elevator" Lurch
Oh, goodie! The elevator is here! The magical moving room that takes us from one dimension to another! But wait...Who is that standing directly in front of the door so that he can be the first one onto the elevator?! Why it's the elevator lurch! He has to be first, so he will stand with his nose approximately one inch from the crack between the elevator doors. When the elevator doors open, he will proceed to run onto the elevator, effectively stopping anyone from getting off the damn thing. Once the elevator lurch rudely pushes his way onto the elevator, then others may get off. Then, if you're lucky, and the elevator lurch has saved you any space, you can get on. And of course, since he was the first one on, and he is in the back of the elevator behind everyone else, he will only be going up or down one floor. Which means he will be the first one off. So he will have to lurch his way through everyone else on the elevator in order to get off. You can prevent this by locking arms and forcing him to ride on with the rest of you.
6) The "Natural" Lurch
This poor guy can't help it. He was built differently from the rest of us, so he naturally has a large stride. This poor bastard is cursed to be lumped in with the other lurches simply because he has extremely long legs. The natural lurch can often be found with a partner who is his complete opposite in that they will most likely be vertically challenged. While he is taking his naturally long 4' and 5' strides, his short partner is so busy trying to keep up, there is smoke rising from their crotch due to their thighs rubbing together at such a fast pace. Watch out for the crotch fire!
7) The "Eclipse" Lurch
Probably the most hated lurch of them all. Especially hated by parents, because eclipse lurches learn young and it becomes a family affair. This is the group of people who park themselves in front of you and blot out the sun. They love to visit museums, amusement parks, movie theaters, concerts, parties, aquariums, retail stores, etc. They will generally find the area that interests you the most, and just when you are walking up to get a good look, the entire family will roll in front of you and park it. Forget it. Game over. Just move on because they aren't going anywhere. Wanna see the sharks in the tank? Forget it. Want to see the puppet show? Nope. Wanna see the concert or movie? Denied. Wanna watch the monkeys? No. You have been lurched.
So watch where you're walking this Labor Day weekend. You might find yourself getting unexpectedly lurched. If it happens to you, remember this blog and just laugh. Because lurches are people too. Rude, annoying, self-centered, clueless people, but people nonetheless.
Bless their hearts...
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